Change is gonna come
You better welcome it
Change is gonna come
And gonna set you free
Change is gonna come
You better welcome it
Change is gonna come
And it is gonna set you free
- Change, Mates of State
We’re terrible at predicting change
Why are we afraid of change? We’re bad at adapting to it, anticipating it, and, in some cases, accepting it. This is illustrated in the psychological phenomenon called the “End of History Illusion”. Basically, humans are good at recognizing changes in the past but terrible at predicting how much we’ll change in the future.
I often think about what the version of me from 20 or even just 10 years ago would think of my life now. In most cases, our past selves would be shocked at the massive philosophical, physical, and spiritual changes that have shaped who we are today.
Creating Change
We’re all terrible at accepting change and predicting change, but change is going to happen regardless. Is there anything we can do to make this process easier?
There is but it’s going to make you uncomfortable. You have to create change. Stop waiting for it to happen and create the change you want in your life. Let me share an example that will resonate with many of you, especially if you’ve spent time working in Tech.
You have a comfortable 9–5 job. Maybe you’re working from home. You dread going to work every single day. You get intense Sunday Scaries every weekend. You put in overtime and say yes to every extra project because you know that’s what’s expected if you want to keep your job. Deep down, you know you’re not a good fit for the company or role. You should quit, but you don’t. You stay because the stress and anxiety of staying are outweighed by the fear of the unknown, the fear of change.
Does any of this sound familiar? You’re not feeling this way because you’re lazy or lack ambition. You’re feeling this way because you’re working toward goals you don’t believe in, for people you don’t like. Your personal values aren’t aligned with how you spend most of your time.
Embrace the Suck
If you’re feeling this pain, why is it so hard to pull the trigger and initiate change?
Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.
Our human brains would rather deal with a shitty known than a potentially healthier, happier unknown. So learn to embrace the suck that comes with change. Like exposure therapy, it will get easier to create the change you want each time you do it. The feelings of anxiety and fear will never fully go away, but they will become easier to manage and push through.
Relationships
I hope you can see how all of this applies to relationships. As the years pass, we all change, including our partners. To think otherwise is simply naïve.
“It isn’t so much that we want to leave the person we are with as we want to leave the person we have become.”
— Esther Perel
Relationships that last multiple decades are the ones where each person expects—and even embraces that change. They grow together and learn to fall in love with the people they are constantly becoming. They also communicate their evolving thoughts, ideas, and philosophies on a regular basis. They’re excited to talk to their partner when they learn something new, or when a long-held belief has been challenged.
The alternative is staying silent, wearing a mask and continuing to act like the person you think your partner wants you to be, for fear of what they might think. This will ultimately lead to unmet expectations, which then turn into resentment.
Change isn’t easy, but it’s inevitable. You can fight it, fear it, or ignore it, but it’s going to happen anyway. In your career, in your relationships, and in yourself. The better option is to accept it, create it where you can, and stay curious about who you and the people around you are becoming. If you can do that, change stops being something to dread and starts becoming the path to growth, freedom, and maybe even joy.