Before you dive into this week’s newsletter, please take a few minutes to read this article. Trust me, you’ll be glad you did. All done? Great. Now you may proceed.
I have to admit that I’m having a hard time finding a starting point for this article. At what point in my life did my idea of a healthy relationship become distorted? I have numerous events and topics to choose from. Each could fill an article of its own, and I’ll probably write about many of them in the future. But what I can pinpoint is the moment I realized almost everything I’d been taught about relationships was wrong.
When people are facing the prospect of divorce, they react differently depending on a number of factors. Here are some of the most common behaviors:
For Men:
- Avoidance of Emotion / “Numbing”
- Jumping into a New Relationship Quickly
- Withdrawal from Social Circles
- Delayed Grief
For Women:
- Seeking Therapy or Support Networks
- Rediscovering Identity
- Setting Stronger Boundaries
- Hyper-Independence
I can only speak from my own experience, which wasn’t typical compared to most men. I didn’t have delayed grief, I had immediate grief. The weight of what was happening hit me hard and fast. In Western culture, we often hear how men tie their identity to their work. In my case, most of my identity was tied to my marriage.
In just a few short years, I had left the high-demand religion I was raised in, and my marriage had ended. I was 42 years old with very little sense of identity left. So I chose the option that most women in the list above gravitate toward: I decided to rediscover myself.
What I Was Taught
Part of that rediscovery meant throwing out everything I thought I knew about healthy relationships.
“So many confuse codependency with love. I get it. I was one of them. I thought love meant we are one. We do everything together. There is no you and I.”
I was taught this from a very young age, and it’s not unique to the religion I practiced. It’s common in many major religions. Two people marry and “become one.” All of your wants, needs, and desires are filtered through the relationship. Your personal thoughts and feelings become secondary.
What I Realized
While my ex-wife and I were heading toward separation, I suggested we try couples therapy. Here’s a tip: if you’re doing couples therapy very close to a breakup, it’s probably already too late. Still, in one of our sessions, the therapist asked us to share our core values.
She asked me to go first. I can’t remember exactly what I said, but I remember realizing I hadn’t thought about my personal values as separate from my wife or my religion in years.
Then the therapist asked my ex-wife the same question, only this time, she specified that the answer needed to be separate from what her religion tells her to value. She couldn’t answer. She said her values and the church’s values were one and the same.
That was the moment I knew our marriage was over.
Some Takeaways
Soon after we separated, I came across the article I linked to earlier. It’s short, it doesn’t go into much detail, but it blew my newly single mind.
“Facing in the same direction also means having similar values, virtues, general life beliefs, bigger-than-self goals. Cloud stuff. Big picture. North stars in the same universe. When your big important life stuff overlaps with their big life important stuff, there is a being-on-the-same-team feeling that makes people work hard for their relationship.”
It had never crossed my mind that it could be unhealthy to be in the same tub. That it’s not only okay but necessary to retain your individuality while sharing values and “north stars” with your partner.
“A healthy relationship means separate containers (life space), facing in the same direction (common outlook on life), and fanning the fire in between (earning trust).”
It took me 20 years and a divorce to learn that lesson. But now I’m in a marriage that actually lives out those shared values. If you want to avoid some of the painful lessons I had to learn the hard way, here are a few things you can do:
- If you’re single and dating: Have big-picture conversations early. Talk about your values and future plans. Don’t be afraid to ask serious questions — and don’t assume one conversation is enough. Revisit them regularly.
- If you’re already married: These conversations are still essential. In fact, I recommend checking in at least once a year to make sure you’re still on the same page. Maybe you need to adjust a few things. That’s normal. Better to talk now than let distance and resentment build over time.
We’re living longer than ever, and one of the side effects is longer marriages. People change. You can either grow and change together, or expect your partner to stay the same year after year. The second option isn’t realistic, so maybe it’s time we all got more comfortable with growing together.
I didn’t know what a healthy relationship looked like until I was already out of one. That’s something I wish I could change, but it’s also part of why I do what I do now. Whether you’re single, separated, or in a long-term relationship, you deserve a partnership that allows you to be fully yourself while moving in the same direction together. I hope this newsletter helps you get just a little bit closer to that.
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