This week’s newsletter is a little late. Let’s just say there’s a lot happening in my life at the moment. As a result, this post will also end up being a little shorter.
I’m a recovering people-pleaser. I say recovering because I’ve come to realize that after all the therapy, all the mediation, and all the work, a part of me will always be this way. It’s my default mode. Unfortunately, being a people-pleaser often means you also get taken advantage of.
When I think back on my own mediation sessions during my separation, there’s one thing I wish I had done differently: I wish I had advocated for myself more often.
I’ve mentioned before that mediation only works if both parties are willing to work together toward a resolution. That means neither party sees the other as the “villain” and that the mediator is not there to come to their rescue. This is true. However, both parties will still have differing opinions and values on certain topics. Coming to a compromise is very different from simply accepting what the other party wants.
If you’re a people-pleaser, there’s a tendency to just accept offers from the other party instead of advocating for your own needs. If you do this, I promise you, you’ll regret it as you move past your divorce and the fog starts to clear.
Is there anything you can do to prevent this before you start mediation? Yes!
- Go to therapy. Find a therapist you connect with and see them at least weekly.
- Make time for the things and people you love. It’s easy to lose yourself during the divorce process. Try to stay grounded.
- Seek independent legal counsel.
I want to touch on number 3. There are family mediators out there who will steer you away from speaking to a lawyer. I’m not one of them. Once you’ve drafted your parenting agreement and division of assets, you should review it with a lawyer. This ensures nothing is missed and that your needs, as well as your child’s needs, are being met. Then, both parties can return to the mediator to sign the agreements or address any changes they wish to make.
I’ve come to terms with my people-pleasing brain. It’s one of the quirks that makes me who I am. If you’re like me, please take my advice above to heart before hiring a mediator or signing any agreements. Your future self will thank you.